Life Isn't Fair...

It's a statement that is drilled into us from the moment we can understand it.

"Life isn't fair."

Why is it, after almost 26 years of life, I still cannot wrap my head around it? Why can I not understand that despite the fact that I am a pretty good mom that is having issues having children, that it isn't the person who just got pregnant with their 5th unplanned baby's fault?

There are so many scenarios that make me mad, but I won't list them all here... mostly because I know it applies to some people who may read this, and I am not going to listen to them call me out on why their decisions were right for them.

The main point, is that despite the fact that we have it drilled into our heads at such a young age. However, it doesn't make it easier. Especially when you feel as if you have had a horrible run of luck. I didn't have an easy childhood and my adolescent years were worse. When I met Eric and we had Collin things felt normal for the first time in my life. However, life happens and it can take you right back down in an instant.

I wish more than anything for a baby. To stop feeling jealous every time I see a pregnancy announcement, to not be angry when I see someone complain multiple times a day every single day of their pregnancy, to not cry when I see mom's holding their baby for the first time. I long to celebrate my due dates instead of mourning them. I long to get excited when I see that second pink line, not start crying because I am terrified. Not scrubbing my house from top to bottom, making sure I have all my orders done, and all the laundry done every single time I go in for a prenatal appointment, knowing I may come home with a time scheduled at the hospital the next morning and be stuck to the couch for a few days after.

My life isn't going to be the same, ever. Whether I get another take home baby or not... it will never be the same. The 6 babies I carried for such a short time were mine, I lost them. We are planning on stopping trying when Collin turns 5. In that time if we do not have a healthy pregnancy, there is a chance that number could get up to 14, with our calculations. That isn't "nothing" that isn't something you just "move on" from. It is a pain you don't ever part with. No matter what. It affects you forever.

It's not fair.
But life isn't fair.