I cam e across this picture on Pinterest tonight, and it fit the bill all too well.
For those that keep up with my blog, you know that this cycle we started Clomid. We decided to go this route to have a chance at conceiving multiples due to hyperovulation and thus giving us a better chance at having a healthy baby in the least amount of pregnancies possible.
Well, Clomid is done [you take it for 5 days] and we are just waiting now. The waiting is the hard part. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test. If the test is positive, then we wait until 7 weeks [which is the worst wait of them all] to see a heartbeat... usually by the next week, the heartbeat is gone. Then I have my D&C and start all over again. We have done that 6 times now. You would think we would be getting used to it, but really... it just gets harder. This last miscarriage was especially hard on me. I tried to protect myself by not getting attached and assuming MC from day one. I thought that I was making it easier on myself, but I learned quickly that it was more harmful that anything. It took me 3 days to cry and when I finally did, it wasn't a pretty sight. Basically, it is nothing that I plan to put myself through again if at all possible.
I am trying to take this cycle as it comes, but really... I am just terrified. I am terrified of having a 7th miscarriage. That number seems huge to me. I am terrified of having another pregnancy slip away with no baby in my arms. So many people tell me it must be hard, but I don't think I can explain how truly difficult it is. One week you see your baby's heart beating on a screen. The next week, nothing. My doctor doesn't even have to tell me anymore that the baby's heart isn't beating... I can tell for myself. It is such an obvious difference. I can picture every time this has happened in my head. Those moments sometimes become flashbacks or bad dreams. Mostly, they are just horrible memories I will carry with me forever.
I wish so badly I knew how this was going to end, so we could stop now if we will never have another baby. My heart tells me to keep trying but at the same time, I truly feel like we will never have another baby and it just breaks my heart... but I do not know how to stop trying. I do not know how to just turn the part of my head off that longs for a sibling for my son and another child for Eric and I.
The one ray of hope we have with this cycle is a small coincidence that I take as a sign. If I do become pregnant this cycle, my due date will be February 4th. That was my due date with Collin. I pray that it means something and that maybe we will have another baby this time next year. I can only hope. I can only pray this is the last month we ever spend trying to get pregnant. I pray this is the last month we are terrified about what we are getting ourselves into. I pray that I join the pregnant women in my life for real. That I get to stay pregnant with them instead of being jealous. That I am able once again to go to baby showers, birthdays, and to the hospital when their babies are born. Things I have had to distance myself from because I am selfish and just hurt that badly. I cannot go into the maternity ward of Banner Gateway without losing it. [Conveniently, I always have to walk right past it in order to have my D&Cs, ironic much?]
Anyway, this turned into a ramble that I definitely didn't mean to start that way, but my heart was heavy and I guess a feelings dump was needed. Please pray for us, pray that this journey will come to an end sooner than later, and end with us having 2 children to raise. Please pray our hearts will not be so heavy. Pray that something in one of these cycles will work and we will get our rainbow...
Well, Clomid is done [you take it for 5 days] and we are just waiting now. The waiting is the hard part. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test. If the test is positive, then we wait until 7 weeks [which is the worst wait of them all] to see a heartbeat... usually by the next week, the heartbeat is gone. Then I have my D&C and start all over again. We have done that 6 times now. You would think we would be getting used to it, but really... it just gets harder. This last miscarriage was especially hard on me. I tried to protect myself by not getting attached and assuming MC from day one. I thought that I was making it easier on myself, but I learned quickly that it was more harmful that anything. It took me 3 days to cry and when I finally did, it wasn't a pretty sight. Basically, it is nothing that I plan to put myself through again if at all possible.
I am trying to take this cycle as it comes, but really... I am just terrified. I am terrified of having a 7th miscarriage. That number seems huge to me. I am terrified of having another pregnancy slip away with no baby in my arms. So many people tell me it must be hard, but I don't think I can explain how truly difficult it is. One week you see your baby's heart beating on a screen. The next week, nothing. My doctor doesn't even have to tell me anymore that the baby's heart isn't beating... I can tell for myself. It is such an obvious difference. I can picture every time this has happened in my head. Those moments sometimes become flashbacks or bad dreams. Mostly, they are just horrible memories I will carry with me forever.
I wish so badly I knew how this was going to end, so we could stop now if we will never have another baby. My heart tells me to keep trying but at the same time, I truly feel like we will never have another baby and it just breaks my heart... but I do not know how to stop trying. I do not know how to just turn the part of my head off that longs for a sibling for my son and another child for Eric and I.
The one ray of hope we have with this cycle is a small coincidence that I take as a sign. If I do become pregnant this cycle, my due date will be February 4th. That was my due date with Collin. I pray that it means something and that maybe we will have another baby this time next year. I can only hope. I can only pray this is the last month we ever spend trying to get pregnant. I pray this is the last month we are terrified about what we are getting ourselves into. I pray that I join the pregnant women in my life for real. That I get to stay pregnant with them instead of being jealous. That I am able once again to go to baby showers, birthdays, and to the hospital when their babies are born. Things I have had to distance myself from because I am selfish and just hurt that badly. I cannot go into the maternity ward of Banner Gateway without losing it. [Conveniently, I always have to walk right past it in order to have my D&Cs, ironic much?]
Anyway, this turned into a ramble that I definitely didn't mean to start that way, but my heart was heavy and I guess a feelings dump was needed. Please pray for us, pray that this journey will come to an end sooner than later, and end with us having 2 children to raise. Please pray our hearts will not be so heavy. Pray that something in one of these cycles will work and we will get our rainbow...
We need our rainbow.
No comments:
Post a Comment