A day later...

So we got the test results on our baby yesterday and I seriously think I may still be in shock. I was hoping maybe the test results on Eric and I would come back today, but they didn't... so I am left still waiting... though I feel as if I already know the results. 3 miscarriages, all around the same gestation, with chromosome abnormalities found in the only one they tested... kinda points all signs to a chromosome issue on one of us.

Eric and I have talked a lot on what we want to do and it's so hard to make a decision. There is absolutely NO treatment for this. We will be facing every pregnancy with at BEST a 50% chance of having a healthy baby... but my doctor thinks my chances are lower than that. It is becoming real that we really may not be able to conceive another baby that will make it. The only answer I have for Collin is that he was a miracle.

There is a chance we could have another baby if we do PGD w/ IVF. This means that we do egg retrieval, fertilize them and let them grow into embryos. Then, those embryos are tested individually to see if they have the particular chromosomal defect. If they do, they will not be implanted. If they don't, the will implant them, but there is NO guarantee that the babies will implant and grow. Each time this is done is about $8500. Only $3500 of that is the actual IVF, $5k is just the genetic testing. This is hard for us, because we know that it is pricey and not covered by insurance, plus we don't know how we feel morally about it. It is something that we would discuss together and possibly with a counselor before we went through with it.

Now, I just wait for the results and hope that while we are trying to figure everything out, we are blessed with a healthy baby naturally. The odds are so slim I feel dumb to even remotely get my hopes up, but I think it is the only thing that keeps me from entirely breaking down. I so desperately want another baby. I so desperately want a sibbling for my son. I desperately want to see Eric's face as he watches our baby enter the world... watch him feed our child a bottle, watch him fall asleep with this tiny little person asleep on his chest... These are all things i took so for granted the first time... I just wish that I would have cherished those moments more when they were here.