This has to get easier right?

Right? I mean I can't be in this horrible funk forever. I cannot always let every little tiny thing remind me of the fact that our babies aren't with us. Looking through Christmas totes and finding the My First Christmas bib we bought last year when I was [somewhat] blissfully 10 weeks pregnant, and the stocking, and the shirt... and don't forget to pink paper we bought on clearance just in case we had a baby girl.

I find myself thinking about them all the time... thinking about our situation all the time. Wondering "Why Us?" We are not perfect parents by any means. There are days where I wonder if I am doing things right at all, but at the end of the day... my kid is fed, clothed, has a roof over his head, and plenty of his wants as well. He isn't abused or neglected. He is loved. There are plenty of kids out there who aren't loved... aren't wanted... aren't cared for. Why not limit those people's fertility?

I know God has a plan for me and Eric.. Collin, too. I try so hard to trust Him and it's so hard in times like this. Maybe this is a test from Him, i don't know. All I know is I am tired and sad.... and tired of being tired and sad.

I am also sorry that my husband has to go through this right along with me. I know it kills him and he thinks he needs to be strong for me. I know people don't look at his feelings as much as mine during our losses and that has to be hard. I love him so much and hate seeing him in pain even more than I hate being in pain myself.

However, at the end of the day, we have each other. We are so blessed to have a strong, loving marriage. We are so blessed that this hasn't torn us apart. We are so blessed to have Collin. He is an adorable kid who sometimes drives us nuts, but we wouldn't trade him for the world. He so desperately needs a sibbling and I pray that he gets one someday.

I just pray 2013 brings happiness in one way or another. Whether we get pregnant with our take home baby or some money falls from the sky for us to have IVF with PGD or we even just come to the conclusion to stop trying and be happy with it. No matter what, I just want us to be happy and content as much as we can be. <3