Reminiscing...

I was looking through some pictures tonight. Pictures of Collin as a newborn and during his first few weeks of life. I remember our world being turned upside down. Between a long labor and delivery, leaving the hospital with out baby still in the NICU, and the day we finally brought our sweet baby home after being scared to death for his health... when we got him home, we knew we were blessed beyond anything we could describe.

Or did we?

We thought we knew how blessed we were... and to a point we did. We know we could have lost him in the hospital. He could have stopped breathing... the machines could have not been enough to keep him alive. The antibiotics could have not been strong enough and he could have died of the infection. But really, we had NO idea how truly blessed we were.

I remember saying in the delivery room that I didn't want to try for another baby for a few years. This of course went out the window in December of 2010 when we started trying for baby #2. 9 months later we found out we were finally pregnant and thought the hardest part [the 9 months of pregnancy tests that were negative and the heartache the end of every cycle brought] was behind us. Of course, it wasn't.

5 miscarriages and 15 months later, my heart is so tired. I feel like I am at the verge of tears every time I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, hear someone is expecting, or see a baby shower invite come into my mailbox. Am I jealous? Of course I am. I won't deny it. Am I happy for the people? Of course I am.

This holiday season is rough on us. We know that three of our angels were due by now and our family would be so different with another child here. It hurts to know that we should have a 7 month old... a 4 month old... or a one month old with us on Christmas morning. In cute little footed Christmas PJs they received with Collin the night before. We should be reading the night before Christmas to 2 kids, not one. We should be buying gifts for two kids... not one. It hurts. It will always hurt.

Getting out some Christmas wrapping stuff the other night, a onesie fell out of the Christmas tote. It was next to the shirt Collin was supposed to wear this year [both bought the day after Christmas last year on Clearance]... knowing that the baby we announced to everyone on Christmas was supposed to wear that onesie... it brought me to tears.

I know Christmas isn't going to be quite the same... just like life isn't quite the same ever again.

Looking back. I wish I wouldn't have hurried Collin along. I wish I wouldn't have wished time to pass. For him to roll over... for him to hold his own bottle.... for him to crawl... walk... run. I would do ANYTHING to be able to relive those days and appreciate them. I never thought that we would never experience those firsts again. Who knows, there is still a slim chance we could, but I truly doubt it at this point. My heart has been hurt too many times to have any hope left.

So many people are wishing for electronics, jewelry, or certain clothing for Christmas. My wish will never be under the tree and it hurts so much.

I know I am blessed to have Collin. Christmas will still be so much fun with him. He is going to be so excited this year and I am so excited to share it with him... do not get me wrong on all of that. I know that he is something to be celebrated, and I do everyday. However, my angels are something to be mourned... and it isn't going to go away overnight.... or ever.

Enjoy Christmas in heaven, my sweet angels. <3 Mommy, Daddy, and Big Brother love you all so much. You are a bigger family up there that we are down here! Mommy and Daddy are going to have a full house in heaven.