After my D&C on July 30th, the last thing on my mind was trying to get pregnant. I was in a lot of pain and I wasn't supposed to become pregnant anyways. I was supposed to wait a full cycle until we tried again, only for dating purposes... not because it was necessarily harmful.
About 5 weeks later, on 9/5, I realized that the next cycle had not started and took a test, expecting it to just be negative. Imagine my surprise when I saw two pink lines on the test. I wasn't happy. I wasn't excited. I knew that I was in for another hard few months.
After fighting to get in to the doctor, I went in on the 27th of September. We happily saw heartbeat measuring around 7 weeks 2 days. It may have been a little farther along than that because the baby was moving so much, my OB had a hard time getting a good measurement.
Overall I was having a lot of symptoms, which was unusual for me. I was a little sick and breaking out like no other. However, the day before my birthday, they all seemed to stop. When I went in for my second appointment on my birthday, i was prepared for bad news. Imagine my surprise that we saw a beautiful beating heart! I had never made it past 8 weeks and was so happy.
Unfortunately, the next day I started bleeding. I pushed it out of my head as I had a bunch of people coming over that night for a birthday party. I was convinced the bleeding wasn't a miscarriage, because I wasn't in a ton of pain. I had never bled the day after seeing a heartbeat, it usually took a few weeks. I thought I might have a hemmorage, and actually tried not to think much of it.
I called my office this morning and told them I had been bleeding. The ordered me down right away. I had an ultrasound and baby measured 8 weeks 5 days with no heartbeat. The baby had seemed to outgrow it's sac, as there was NO room around the baby like there has been on all my ultrasounds where I have found out about the loss. In my heart, I do not believe that this was a chromosomal loss. I believe that I DID have a hemmorage. I will never know, but in my heart I think this baby would have been okay... which makes it hurt even more.
I go in for a D&C tomorrow morning. The hospital called a few hours ago asking me about my medical history. it hurt so bad to answer her question "How many times have you been pregnant?" with 6... and "How many times have you given birth to a live baby?" with ONE.
I never imagined that by 25 I would have had 6 pregnancies. I never would have guessed that if I did that I would only have one baby.
It hurts. It hurts for more reasons than the obvious one... but that is not for me to share here. I pray that God brings us some peace in this, but so far it just leaves me angry. Wondering why there are people who don't want babies getting pregnant all over the place and throwing their babies out like yesterdays garbage... yet I want another so bad and put my body through hell TRYING to get that... but I can't.
I will NEVER understand.
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