I used to love September. Still do for the most part. It is the month that I hate my first date with the love of my life. The month I married my best friend. However, it is the month I lost my first angel... and the month I lost a piece of my innocence.I will never be excited when I find out I am pregnant again. I will not be excited until I make it past the 8 week mark. And even then, I will be nervous until I can have an amnio and see that the chromosomes are okay... and then I will be nervous STILL every time I feel a cramp... don't feel him.her move.. and then I will feel okay for a few minutes in the delivery room until I realize that the same thing could happen to a new baby that happened to Collin, placing him in the NICU for a week... only it could end much sadder than it did with Collin... and our baby could die even though I carried him or her to term.

I sit here tonight fighting back tears because I am sad. I am sad that I have 4 babies in heaven that I never got to hold. I never got to change their diaper. I didn't get a single moment with them outside of my womb and I hate that so much. I hate that I started buying things for that first angel and they are still in a box in Collin's old room. I hate that we bought a Christmas outfit for our second angel that we thought for sure was going to make it. It's packed with the Christmas things and eventually it will have to be unpacked.

I hate that I am jealous of people who are pregnant. I want to be happy and overjoyed for them... and I am... but I am also SO jealous. I wish I could make that go away. I avoid baby showers. I sometimes block pregnant people on Facebook because even if they complain only once about morning sickness or a backache... I want to tell them they are so damn lucky to have it.

So many people do not understand the pain that comes with miscarriage. Even more people do not understand the pain that comes with recurrent miscarriages. Especially recurrent miscarriages that result because of an incurable genetic issue. I am told it will happen for us. I am told "well, I have had X amount of miscarriages" or "My friend has had x amount of miscarriages" and we/they have this many kids now. Well, good for them. They are stronger than I. They didn't have a genetic issue stopping them. Losing 4 babies in a year has been the worst nightmare of my life. I hate having people think I should be over it. I just hate all of it.

Sorry for the long-winded vent. I am just tired, emotional, and ready for this nightmare to be over.