It's been 4 days since my D&C and 5 days since we got the news that our baby went to heaven to be with his/her siblings. I honestly know as the days go by I should be feeling better, but I feel like everyday that I wake up, it hurts a little more.
Physically, my body isn't taking this well. This is by far my worst recovery. I guess I should have expected it. I was further along than I was with any of the others, had started miscarrying on my own, and this is my 4th D&C in 9 1/2 months. I can imagine my body is angry. It doesn't help that I have been having a reaction to the pain medicine the pharmacy substituted for me and I didn't make the correlation until it was too late to call my doctor for the weekend. So I am left either roughing it through the pain or itching all over my body and burning up. Most of the time I choose the itching and burning up since I can at least take care of my kiddo and am not 100% stuck to the couch.
Emotionally, I am a mess. I feel SO alone in all of it. I feel like nobody gets it. I am scared to reach out to anyone because I have been hurt so much in the past. I have been told things that only hurt me more instead of comfort me.
"At least you have one kid."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Couldn't you have done something different?"
"Do Invitro... Get a surragate... Adopt..."
I feel like people don't understand that these are losses. They aren't just miscarriages. They are my babies dying inside of me. The 24-48 hours that I usually spend between finding out my child has died and when the doctor takes him/her from my body are hell. I am literally a vessel for my dead child. Waking up from the anesthesia in recovery is a close second... knowing I was wheeled into the OR with my child inside of me and waking up feeling empty.
I feel like I have spent the week in a fog. I go back and forth between crying and being angry. I try and fake it until I am happy, but I just can't force myself to be happy like people expect me to be. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone without being a burden. After my last loss I was told I made everything about me, and since then I feel like I don't have a choice but to keep to myself. I understand though, after 5 losses I would probably get sick of me, too.
I know *I* am sick of myself.
Have they ever checked your progesterone levels? I had a total of 6 miscarriages. The son I had 11 years ago, I was told, happened by a (unplanned) miracle. I was actually on a new type of birth control that had high levels of that hormone.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't planning on having a baby yet, and when my period didn't come I assumed it was because of the pill. Turned out, if had I stopped taking the pill I would have lost him. We (my ex husband and I) decided to keep it and so for 14 weeks, after we figured this out, I had to take very nasty little suppositories of this stuff. Did for my daughter as well, but not for my 2nd daughter. (In between that time I had an unexpected pregnancy with a boyfriend and I did NOT take the hormones and it miscarried naturally)
Don't feel you are alone. I understand :(
Scott and I didn't want to have children so early in our marriage, but with my history (all 6 were before him)we figured we would start very early.