An Update

I know I have not updated in awhile. Mainly because we wanted to be quiet with information, until we knew how it was going to end.

On June 18th I got a positive pregnancy test. A week later I finally made a doctor's appointment for the 9 week mark, knowing if I made it to that point that things would MOST likely be okay. The appointment was scheduled for July 19th.

On July 11th, I started having some cramping which became worse and by the next day I had a really bad feeling that something was wrong. So I called my doctor and they told me that they would work me in for an ultrasound, even though they were busy. I got in [at the point I was 8 weeks pregnant] and as they did the scan, we received bad news. There was a sac measuring 6 weeks and there was no embryo, only a fetal pole... and no heartbeat. I was of course crushed and spent most of the rest of the day in tears.

We were devastated, but the doctor said I needed to come back in a week before he could schedule a D&C. I went to the next appointment alone, knowing there wouldn't be much to see. He started the ultrasound and before he said anything, I noticed a heartbeat. It seemed our baby was a miracle! He told me to come back in 2 weeks to check for growth, as there WAS a heartbeat... but I was only measuring 6 weeks 3 days.

Exactly one week later, I started spotting after a nap. I called the doctor and was told by the nurse that it was nothing... but just to rest. I was pretty upset with her for not trying to get me in, but there wasn't a whole lot I could do. Later that night I started cramping and has a HORRIBLE night of sleep. I called the next morning and found out my doctor was not even in that day. They got me in to see another doctor and foudn exactly what I feared... no heartbeat. They told me to come back in today [Monday, the 30th] and see my normal doctor.

The weekend was hell. I was in a massive amount of pain and couldn't stand for more than 5 minutes at a time without being in immense pain.

The embryo measured 6 weeks 5 days, no heartbeat. I hadn't passed it over the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to continue to try and miscarry normally or do a D&C and get it over with. I opted for a D&C. He called the surgical department at the hospital and said that if I could make it there in an hour for PRE-OP, that I could have the D&C today. So I went and I am not 3 hours out from surgery and feeling better. I was in a lot of pain when I woke up, much more than the other 2 surgeries, but overall feeling way better than I do trying to MC on my own.

As for our future, we aren't giving up... but we are giving up for the time being. We need some time to not be stressed over trying to get pregnant and/or whether or not our baby is going to make it once I get pregnant. It's been a really rough road for us mentally, as well as for me physically. We are talking about taking the rest of the year off from TTC and resuming after the start of the new year.

Thank you for all of the prayers you guys have sent up for us... and for those of you being supportive without being condescending [yes, there have been those kind of people, too]. We know that things happen for a reason, that we MAY have a child someone, and that we have been blessed with one. In all reality, we are very blessed... but we also have to remember that we now have 4 angels in heaven... and it hurts so much that they were not allowed to be with us here.As soon as that second line turns pink... we fall in love. Just like we did with Collin. It is going to take some time to heal. 4 losses in 10 months is a lot of pain for us to work through. We have to be allowed to hurt and heal.