Our family is complete. My final post.

So this is the end of this blog.

I wish it came with better news. An ultrasound picture. A baby bump picture. A picture of Collin in a shirt saying "Big Brother" across it. It doesn't come with any of that.

It comes with sadness, as we say goodbye to the dream of our child having a sibling. We have decided to stop trying. I will be making an appointment to go on birth control for a few months to make 100% sure of our decision and then I will be getting my tubes tied so that we don't have to worry about me being on birth control for long periods of time [I do not respond well to it] but it would leave our options more open for the future than it Eric were to get a vasectomy. We could still do IVF with PGD in the future if we wanted to this way, but we both are thinking that it probably will not happen.

It's the hardest decision we have had to make in our marriage, heck, it's the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. It isn't one that was taken lightly.

A lot of different factors went into the decision. One being that we are looking at at least a 5 year age difference in our children if I were to get pregnant right now. Currently, we were not trying for a baby as I am on some medicines that I shouldn't be on while trying to have a baby. We were looking at waiting at least 6 or more months before trying again, which would put our kids at closer to 6 years apart. That works for some families but that is not what we wanted. We wanted our kids about 2-3 years apart and that just isn't something that is going to happen.

Another factor that we thought about was my physical health. I have had to have D&Cs with 6 out of my 7 miscarriages. A D&C requires me being put under general anesthesia, and has risks with possible issues of internal damage and scar tissue. My last miscarriage left me bleeding in such a large volume that I ended up needing to go to the ER and have an emergency D&C and had I waited any longer [the on call doctor told me I didn't even need to go in] I very easily could have needed a blood transfusion or bled to death.

Third, my mental health. These past few years have left me in a rough spot. Losing my 8 babies [7 through miscarriage, one to a chemical pregnancy] has left me sad, angry, and anxiety ridden. I honestly do not think I could handle another miscarriage or fertility treatment. I am always going to have that anger. I am always going to be annoyed when someone complains that their pregnancy isn't going fast enough or that they cannot stand being pregnant. Or that they didn't want another baby and that they made a mistake. I am always going to cry at stories of abortions or child abuse or babies being hurt or killed by parents that didn't want them. Those things are ALL going to hurt me in a different way than they used to. It's a part of life. However, I can avoid the pain that comes when I see my baby's heartbeat one week and the next I go in to see it has stopped. I can avoid the pain of waking up after surgery sad because my baby is gone. My heart will not be heavy while I carry my baby that has passed on for hours or days while I wait to have a D&C or miscarry naturally. Those things I can never have to face again.

It kills me that Collin will never have a sibling. I told myself for years that I would never have an only child, I didn't want my child to go through what I did growing up without another child in the house. However, we have just done all we can in this respect so I will just have to ensure him as he gets older that we tried our hardest and he will just have plenty to meet in heaven someday.

So with this, we move on. I will start school to become an MA. I will look forward to having some time to myself and with my husband when Collin starts Kindergarten fall of next year. I will look forward to healing.