Okay, well not overnight. Things have not changed overnight.
Two years ago we were in pure bliss. I remember going to dinner with Eric on a date and heading to Target afterwards. We browsed the aisles of Christmas stuff and carefully selected a "My First Christmas" onesie and bib and put them in our cart with smiles. We were excited about the baby we had announced to our families the day before when we were 10 weeks 2 days pregnant. We waited for 6 weeks after we found out to announce, as we had just suffered our first miscarriage that September. We had had an ultrasound a few weeks before and saw a heartbeat and I had made it three weeks past the time where I started bleeding. We were so excited to tell our families and have it be public knowledge that we were getting our sweet rainbow and giving Collin a brother or sister.
The next day, the 27th of December, I took a nap and woke up to get ready for work when I discovered I was bleeding. I quickly called the doctor's office and called out of work for the night. They had me come down right away for an ultrasound where we found that the baby's heart hat stopped at 8 weeks... just 2 days after the ultrasound where we had seen it's precious heart beating.
Coming up to that day is hard enough. Dealing with the Christmas season without the 8 babies we have lost is hard enough. However, today I went in for my blood test at the Fertility Clinic to find out that our fertility treatment didn't work... that I didn't even become pregnant. I was told when the procedure was done that they didn't give it very much hope because some numbers were just far too off to have much success. I still tried to remember that we usually get pregnant fine on our own despite those numbers, but I didn't have much hope.
Even though I took a few tests on my own leading up to this day, I just hoped and prayed that the blood test would say yes. That the phone would ring and I would get the surprise of my life. Nope. No such luck.
[Side Note: I know that the nurses are used to making those phone calls by now, but I couldn't help but want to tell the girl who drew my blood this morning to not bother calling me, that I knew I wasn't pregnant and I didn't want her to have to tell me I wasn't. That is was okay. I can only imagine some of the things they have to deal with on the other side of the line for those calls. I mean, people spending hundreds or thousands of dollars per cycle to try and get pregnant and to hear that the aren't pregnant... it can't be fun for either side. So I really tried to have no tone in my voice as I said "Okay" after the news.]
Anyways, this week has just been hard and I think tomorrow will be the hardest of all.
Crazy how times change. I would have never thought 2 years ago today that my baby wasn't alive inside of me. I wouldn't have guessed that I wasn't going to need that bib or onesie the next year... or the next year... or possibly any years in the future.
Anyways, we go back for a consult next month. We may not be seeking more treatment, as it does get pricey and really, there is no cure... no magically procedure that can be done to make our babies stay. Our last resort would be IVF with PGD, but unless someone wants to give us about $15,000 as a late Christmas present, that just isn't happening. And even that isn't 100%. It is quite possible that we could have normal embryos to transfer and they would still not live.
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