They say I'll be okay, but I'm not going to ever get over you.

I have been dreading tomorrow for quite some time. It's a day that is going to hurt to get through, and not many people understand why.

A year ago tomorrow was Baby Barker #2's due date. Now, I know due dates aren't for sure days that the baby is going to come. My son came almost 3 weeks early, but still. It's a date that kills my heart because I know I should have a one year old and I don't.

It feels like SO long ago that Eric and I started trying for #2. It felt like it was taking us forever to get pregnant, even though it took a little under a year. When we saw that pregnancy test show positive, our worries faded and we looked forward to April when we would bring a sweet baby home and prayed that we would get the daughter we had prayed for. We NEVER would have thought that almost 2 years later we would have gone through 6 pregnancies AND miscarriages and still not have a living sibling for Collin.

I am still dreading tomorrow. Just thinking about waking up and working on birthday outfits [for my business] that aren't for my sweet child who should be turning one just about kills me. I remember this time last year, driving to work and bawling my eyes out when Miranda Lambert came on the radio singing "Over You."

It's true. I will probably remember the dates surrounding my babies for the rest of my life. That is how I am. I remember dates like nobody's business. It is a blessing and a curse. I can remember dates and times I need to be somewhere, but I also remember dates of horrible things that I wish I could forget... because those days will always have a black cloud for me.

I leave with the words from a song by Daughtry. A song I am sure I will listen to tomorrow to help me cry and grieve like I need to. A song that helps me remember that it's okay to hurt over this, no matter what people say to me or about me.

Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.

Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,

Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.

Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.