Moments

For the most part, I can go about my day normally. Not thinking, not dwelling. not worrying about these last two years. Where I feel like a normal 25 year old with a child and a husband.

There are moments though... moments where my heart hurts. Moments where I feel the hole in my heart. Moments where it hits me that we may not ever have another baby. Moments like these are hard, because I have no one to talk to about it. Sure, there are people who will listen... but they don't really. I get stupid comments, insensitive remarks, and fake sympathy.

I get it.

I get that it doesn't seem like a big deal to some people. I get that to some people, I have had some medical issues and I need to move on. I get to some people, they see that I have one child and that should make all the hurt go away. I get that people think that once you have gone through something 5 times that you should "be over it" or "be used to it."

Well, the comments stop when I stop talking to people. When I just allow myself to be alone with my thoughts. This situation... it's a big deal to me. It may not be to you, but it is to me.

Here are some things/situations/comments that get under my skin:

"At least you guys have one!"

Yeah. At least. But don't forget... I have 6. 5 of them, I neer got to meet, but I carried them for 2-2.5 months each time. They were a part of me. 4 out of the 5 babies I lost I saw their hearts beat... I saw them move on an ultrasound screen. They weren't an "idea" or a "hope"... they were living beings, inside of me. Whether or not you believe they are babies or not, they are to me, and that is what matters.

And yes, at least I have one. People act like I don't understand that he could have easily met the same fate. That I could have no children. Do you think I don't realize that? I realize that every single day of my life. I thank GOD for giving him to me... it doesn't mean that it hurts less. It hurts more, sometimes, I think. Knowing that he may grow up as an only child like I did. I hated it. I hate watching him want someone to play with and him not having that.

Do IVF/ Get a Surrogate/ Get a sperm donor

IVF won't help us without PreImplantation Genetic Diagnoses. $35k a pop for a 20% at a successful pregnancy. Do you have $35k laying around? Yeah, me neither. Oh, and when they test the embryos, the ones that aren't genetically okay... they throw them away. Not okay with my morals.

A surrogate? Have you read my posts? Have you listened when I have explained to you that it isn't an issue with me carrying a child to term?

My favorite is when people tell me I should ask for sperm donors within the family. Nope. Weird. Not to mention, not morally right in my opinion either.

Adopt

This one is my favorite. Besides the cost (about $40k for a private adoption, more to have an agency help) I honestly just can't do it. I was adopted. I still struggle with it. Even though I know all of my story now, I still struggle. I would not be able to answer questions. I would not be able to handle having a life someone else brought into this world being my responsibility. I just couldn't.

I have had X miscarriages and I have X amount of kids... it will happen for you, too!





Number of miscarriages has nothing to do with anything. Unless you have the same chromosome issue we have, I don't want to hear it anymore. Yes, you had 2 or 3 miscarriages... but you have a handful of healthy kids. I have had 5 miscarriages... one healthy child. It isn't the same ratio, is it? Yes, I understand miscarriages happen. They happen to women who have no issues at all! 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is a normal part of life... but when you get to the ratio I am at, it gets really hard to be hopeful. Knowing just from your issue alone, there is only a 33% chance of a healthy baby each time. When you roll in the 25% chance of miscarriage for even 'normal' pregnancies... well... you do the math. It leaves our odds TINY. And it SUCKS.



There are lots of others: "If it is meant to be it will happen." or "Just relax, it will happen."

This is why I keep to myself. This is why I will no longer tell people, even close friends when I get pregnant. It doesn't mean anything to anyone like it does to us. When I miscarry I get a "That sucks. I am sorry" ... it more than sucks. It breaks our hearts time and time again.

I have felt a lot of alone in my life, but nothing like this.